As one who has performed
wedding ceremonies for over 25 years, I have long wanted to express my concerns
about the irrelevancy of many wedding traditions and the unnecessary expense
many couples incur in their desire to create “the perfect wedding.”
We
want our wedding celebration to say so much – to express who we are, the depth
of our
love for one another, our hopes are for the future. Tremendous pressures
exist to plan the perfect wedding as the prelude to a perfect relationship.
Marriage, however, is a
relationship that only time, patience and understanding can fully reveal. As we
now know, there is little relationship between the elaborateness of the wedding
ceremony and the endurance of the marriage commitment. For evidence, one need
only examine the rising cost of weddings (an average of some $17,000) and the
declining length of marriages (seven years).
Below are some
observations about weddings in response to the question, How
do we plan a meaningful wedding celebration without falling prey to the stresses
and expenses that leave many couples feeling out of control?
From my experience, there
are two primary ingredients to a beautiful wedding, neither of which is related
to money. These include the ceremony itself and the importance placed on family
and friends attending the wedding.
Importance
of the Ceremony
For me, the beauty of the
wedding ceremony has little to do with words, music or the length of the bridal
train. Some weddings are magical because it is very apparent that the bride and
groom deeply care for one another. Others are unmoving because the couple looks
more like a cake topper than lovers.
I have officiated at
ceremonies lasting less than two minutes in which the crowd went wild when the
new couple was introduced. Other weddings, far lengthier and more elaborate,
have left me wondering if the bride and groom had met prior to the ceremony.
A beautiful ceremony is
one in which the bride and groom are able to convey to the guests their love and
commitment to one another. Nothing is more beautiful or hopeful, especially in a
world full of cynicism about marriage. The communication between the bride and
groom – smiling, touching and being tender with one another – is what makes
a wedding beautiful. I continue to be amazed at how irrelevant my role is in the
service. No eloquence on my part can overcome the inability of couples to look
at each other during the wedding vows.
To achieve this beauty
requires that the bride and groom be as stress-free as possible and that they
have some input into the ceremony to ensure that it is personal and reflective
of their relationship. Other factors that can contribute to a more relaxed
wedding include wearing less formal clothing, being in a more informal setting
such as a chapel or home, having fewer wedding attendants or none at all, and
limiting the guest list to immediate family and friends. Perhaps the most
beautiful wedding format is one in which the couple is married in a home or
chapel with fewer than 35 guests and with a dinner following.
Importance
of Family and Friends
Some years ago I
officiated at the wedding of a very prominent athlete. Following the wedding,
the couple immediately had photographs taken while the guests went to the
reception. Two hours later when the bride and groom reached the reception, most
of the guests had already left. This was a disappointing experience for
everyone.
The second ingredient for
a significant wedding experience is to have each guest feel as if he or she is
very special and important. Wedding ceremonies do not create a relationship
between the bride and the groom. This is established prior to the wedding. The
ceremony is the celebration of a commitment already made but formalized in the
presence of family and friends. The key is “family and friends.”
There are two ways of
making a ceremony impersonal. One is to have a wedding so large that you can’t
possibly spend time with all the guests. The other is a wedding with no family
in attendance. Both express the same sentiment – that the couple’s
commitment is limited to each other.
Such an “isolationist”
view of marriage – two persons against the world – is romantic but also
unrealistic. Fortunately or unfortunately, two people cannot live in a vacuum.
Seeking to do so dooms the relationship to failure. In today’s world, family
and friends are often the only support systems we have. The wedding ceremony
becomes a time for thanking those who have supported us in the past and who,
hopefully, will continue to be a part of our lives in the future. (In planning a
wedding think how long it would take to spend a minimum of at least one minute
with each person in attendance. If you can’t visit with them why invite them?)
Family and friends can be
acknowledged in several ways, the most important of which is to limit the size
of the wedding so that time can be spent with each guest. Also, the bride and
groom may choose to say a few words to family members during the ceremony or at
the reception. With guests often coming in from out of town, the bride and groom
more often assume the role of host rather than honorees. I am always amazed at
how far and to what expense people will travel to be present for a wedding. This
commitment and sacrifice deserves to be recognized.
From my experience, the
wedding ceremony provides an opportunity to create an important bonding
experience between the couple and their family and fiends. The ceremony also
provides an occasion for guests to take a few moments to reflect on their own
commitments and those relationships that provide significance and continuity to
life. This is an often unrecognized value of the wedding ceremony and, in an age
of skepticism about lasting relationships, a very valuable opportunity for those
attending the service.
Ideas
for A Stress-Free Wedding
Below are some ideas to
help generate your own thinking about planning a wedding that focuses on
relationships rather than finances.
FLOWERS:
Use a vase of cut flowers for the altar or mantel purchased from a local grocery
store or florist. Large floral arrangements are not needed. Save them for
funerals.
PHOTOGRAPHS:
Find a photo-journalist (call your local newspaper) to take “action shots”
and a limited number of posed family photographs. Ask for the film and have your
own photographs developed.
WEDDING
LOCATION: Find a small chapel or have the wedding at a home, preferably a
friend’s home. I’ve never met anyone who had a home wedding who didn’t
think that it was the perfect choice.
DRESS:
Wear something that can be worn again but something that will allow your
photographs to retain a timeless quality.
CAKE
AND DECORATIONS: Order a small cake or
have no cake at all. Only 50% of your guests will eat cake. Don’t order a
groom’s cake. Forget the matches and matching napkins, the mints, the peanuts
and the ice cream punch. Consider making non-alcoholic champagne also available
for those who don’t wish to drink alcohol.
MUSIC:
Wedding CD’s are greatly improved. If you use live music consider a harpist or
violinists. These sounds carry well and enthrall guests. Involve the talents of
friends and family. (One of the prettiest weddings I ever performed involved the
sister of the bride who came early and taught all the children present a song
that was included as part of the wedding.)
INVITATIONS:
With fewer guests you can hand write the invitations. Computers and color
printers also allow for great creativity.
ATTENDANTS:
Attendants are not needed but if you
have other persons standing up with you, limit the number to one each. This
prevents the need for a rehearsal and allows guests to focus more on you rather
than the wedding party. Be sure to include your own children.
RECEPTION:
If possible, have a sit-down dinner afterwards at a favorite restaurant or
hotel.
CEREMONY:
Make it personal. Recognize children and allow family or friends to participate
with special readings or comments.
Your comments, suggestions
and questions are welcomed. Dr. Coleman can be contacted directly by e-mail at rcoleman@clergyservices.com
or writing to Clergy Services, Inc., PO Box 32333, Kansas City, MO 64171-5333.
You may also call 816-753-3886.
Additional
Resources
Weddings:
A Family Affair by Margorie Engel. A
Planning Guide for Second Marriages and Couples with Divorced Parents.
Wilshire Publications (1-800-237-1922). $10.00
Our
Wedding Celebration by Roger Coleman.
An Informal Wedding Ceremony and Resources
for Planning A Home, Garden or Chapel Wedding. Available from Clergy Services,
Inc. (1-800-237-1922). $10.00.
Celebrating
the New Family: Resources for
Including Children In the Wedding. Call Clergy Services, Inc. (1-800-237-1922)
for a free catalog or visit The Family Medallion® web site at www.familymedallioncom.
Local Wedding
Officiants: See www.clergyservices.com
or call 1-800-237-1922.