Gregory
and Barbara were married last month. One of the twists that made their wedding
so special was that they almost never met. Gregory’s sister worked with
Barbara, a widow, and suggested that Barbara might enjoy meeting her single,
older brother. The meeting was arranged but never took place. Barbara become
sick the day they were to have dinner and nothing was ever rescheduled.
Several
years later, another of Gregory’s sisters became acquainted with Barbara. Not
knowing of the earlier attempt at matchmaking, she too felt that Gregory and
Barbara had many common interests and would enjoy being together. This time, the
introduction was successful. Gregory and Barbara were married three years later.
Unusual?
Not really. How couples find each other in the midst of the millions of
possibilities is always an intriguing story. And, depending on the significance
attached to the story of “how we met,” it can become a very valuable
resource for helping newlyweds create a memorable wedding celebration.
As
a clergyman, I have long studied the dynamics that lead to lasting and loving
marriages. And while many factors are involved, to me a key ingredient is the
overwhelming belief that the relationship is special, unique and almost magical.
We were brought together because
we belong together. We are friends and soulmates.
Gregory and Barbara believe that their meeting was more than a chance encounter. To them, a divine power intervened. How else could one explain their relationship? I would encourage you, as I encouraged them, to make notes about the day you met and, on each anniversary, light a candle, drink a glass of wine and remember the miracle that bought you together.
Because
each couple’s relationship, including how they met, is so special and
personal, it is only fitting that the wedding ceremony expresses something of
this uniqueness.
I
am often asked how many weddings I have performed. I don’t really know nor do
I care. Each couple is different
and my role as their wedding officiant is to help develop a ceremony that
personalizes the significance of their commitment to one another.
From
these experiences, I have developed several practical suggestions for helping
couples create an intimate and warm celebration. Before looking at these,
however, I would like to respond to one of the more difficult issues facing many
couples once the decision to marry has been made: How do we find a minister or
wedding officiant for the ceremony?
For those who have a relationship with a religious
congregation, their pastor is usually available. However, divorce and remarriage
continue to cause difficulties for some religious groups. Add to this moral
judgments regarding living together prior to marriage, interfaith and
inter-racial relationships, etc., and it is not surprising that many couples
choose to be married outside of more traditional religious settings.
Often,
second and subsequent marriages take place in a variety of places including
homes, hotels, chapels, courthouses, restaurants, parks and historic buildings
along with churches, synagogues and mosques. If you want a non-religious
ceremony, contact your local county courthouse or marriage license bureau for a
list of judges who may be available.
If
you do not have a pastor and want a religious ceremony, you might contact the
chaplain of a local university or college. Ask others for their suggestions.
Many of the couples I marry are referred by the facility where they are having
the ceremony or reception. A new on-line service you may wish to check out is www.clergyservices.com,
an internet listing of “family friendly” clergy. (You may also call
1-800-237-1922 for clergy information.)
Look,
too, in the Yellow Pages under wedding chapels. More and more clergy are
specializing in officiating at wedding celebrations. Don’t hesitate to check
out the religious credentials of anyone you contact. While ordination by a major
religious group – Methodist, Lutheran, Presbyterian, etc. does not guarantee
competency, it is a good indication that clergymen and clergywomen possess the
appropriate training and legal standing to be both sensitive and professional in
their relationship with you.
Also,
request that information be sent to you before making your selection. Arrange a
meeting with the clergyperson if you have questions. Don’t set it up as an
interview but as an opportunity to find out more about the services they offer.
What you want is an officiant who will respect your uniqueness and will help you
with appropriate suggestions for blending tradition and the unique story that
the two of you bring to the marriage. For example, Gregory and Barbara chose to
talk, during their wedding ceremony, about how they almost never met. They also
honored Gregory’s two sisters with a special presentation of roses.
I
have learned that the beauty of a wedding ceremony has not so much to do with
the words of the officiant as with the couple. Creating a setting in which it is
obvious that the bride and the groom share great affection for one another makes
for a truly remarkable experience. To accomplish this, it is important that the
couple play an active role in the ceremony. There are several ways to do this
even recognizing the reality of how nervous the bride and groom might be. These
include the following:
·
Offering
a few words of welcome at the beginning of the ceremony to acknowledge the
importance of those present. This can be a very simple statement such as,
“Barbara and I recognize that many of you have made a great sacrifice to be
here today. We deeply appreciate your presence and the support you have given to
us.” The couple may also, at the end of the wedding service thank the guests
for their attendance and issue a personal invitation to the reception.
·
The
repeating of vows is the most common form of participation by the bride and
groom. While many couples indicate an interest in writing their own vows, I find
that this seldom happens. An alternative, however, is to prepare a brief,
personal statement of commitment to be read to one another following the more
formal vows. These can be written out on a 3” x 5” card and held by the
wedding officiant until the appropriate time.
·
Many
couples also choose to share passages of literature with each other during the
ceremony. Books of appropriate readings can be found in the “Wedding”
section of any major bookstore or public library.
I
know that these suggestions may seem difficult for two nervous people. The
reward, however, is that your participation will create a memorable experience
not only for you but for the guests as well. So many couples, when asked, cannot
remember a thing about their wedding ceremony. This is unfortunate because they
failed to create a visual image of a memory they can cherish for the rest of
their lives. It’s like taking a photograph with no film in the camera.
Couples often choose to have fewer attendants in subsequent marriages. An alternative way to involve family and friends (and avoid the expense of attendant clothing and flowers) is to invite their participation by having them share musical talents or read passages from literature or scripture. Family members may also offer prayers or brief talks on the significance of marriage. Often mothers or children or grandchildren will hold the rings and bring them forward at the appropriate time. One of the most moving moments I can remember took place when the bride’s sister gathered all the children together prior to the wedding and taught them a simple song that they sang as part of the ceremony. Even in informal settings, having teenagers come forward at the beginning of the service to light candles on either the altar or the mantel is a memorable moment.
The
purpose of a wedding is not only to celebrate the commitment of two people. It
is also a time for recognizing family members and affirming their continuing
importance in the lives of those being married.
In
many ways, the bride and groom are hosts rather than guests and their role
becomes one of welcoming and introducing families. I am always surprised at the
sacrifice of time and money family and friends will make in order to attend a
wedding. The wedding ceremony itself offers an opportunity to acknowledge and
honor their loyalty. There are several ways you might celebrate the family
nature of marriage:
·
Make a
big deal of grandparents if they are still living. Have them escorted to their
seats if ushers are being used. Give them flowers and list them along with
parents if you are using printed programs. Needless to say, honor your parents
also. Include stepparents even if some tension exists.
·
If a
parent, grandparent or close friend has recently died, acknowledge the loss
during the ceremony. Candles can be lit in honor of loved ones and recognition
can be given through such words as, “Today, we recognize that some family
members are not physically present but join us in spirit. We especially give
thanks for ________.” Such acknowledgements further contribute to the ceremony
as a family occasion.
·
Include
your children. Perhaps the greatest change in wedding traditions over the past
25 years has been the increasing recognition that marriage, with children
present, is a family celebration. The Family Medallion ceremony is the primary
resource for recognizing children and the new family created by remarriage and
is easily adapted to both religious and civil wedding traditions. This ceremony
invites children of the bride and/or groom to come forward after the
pronouncement of the couple as husband and wife. Each child is then presented
with the special Family Medallion along with a verbal pledge of love and support
by the new parent. Such inclusion goes a long way towards strengthening the
bonds of new stepfamily relationships. (Call C1ergy Services, Inc. at
1-800-237-1922 for additional information on including children in the wedding
service.)
As
you plan your wedding, keep in mind that there are three keys to developing a
moving and personal wedding ceremony: 1) Find a wedding officiant to assist you
in developing a ceremony that acknowledges your uniqueness as a couple; 2)
Involve yourselves and others in the ceremony; 3) Recognize the importance of
family members. Use of these three simple steps will result in a celebration of
warmth and intimacy that will not soon be forgotten. Like the day you met, your
wedding celebration will add another important chapter to the personal story you
are creating.
Your
comments, suggestions and questions are welcomed. Dr. Coleman can be contacted
directly by e-mail at rcoleman@clergyservices.com or by writing to Clergy Services, Inc., PO Box 32333, Kansas City, MO
64171. You may also call 1-800-237-1922.